General Thoughts

Often, the best way to deal with what is going on around us, is to get away from it all. So, that’s what I did. I got away. Not for long, just 48 hours. But, it was the decompression my brain needed to start thinking straight again.

When I met with one of the case workers (?) on Tuesday, she asked if there was anywhere I could stay for a couple nights as my home was my major stressor. How is an addict to recover, when the drug of choice is in the home, and the abuser is distributing the drug?

It was an awful feeling. Not being able to help my mom. Not being able to handle her medication or give her injections. But every time I touched that drug, I was more and more tempted to take just one pill. For those who have never battled addiction, it doesn’t stop at just one. One beer. One hit. One night stand. It feels so good. Just that one time, that you think it is okay to do again. It’s not. It’s never okay. That’s what leads to a greater addiction.

Another thing I have an addiction to? Unhealthy relationships. It does not matter how bad a guy hurt me, I will go back. Here’s an example that I know I can share because he will never read this. If he does, hey. High school was weird for me, I mean I got bullied a lot and talked to a lot of guys. By a lot I mean basically every guy. Every single one. Or in a relationship. Whatever. That’s not the point is. The point is, high school was weird for everyone. So, when the hot hockey player that every girl talked about, talked to me, well I stuck with it.

Hot hockey guy. For any girl that grew up in Guelph and went to high school with me, you know exactly who I’m talking about. No one heard his name and said “eh, he’s alright”. So let me tell ya, when hot hockey guy talked to me, I was a goner. Biggest red flag? He didn’t want anyone to know about us. He told me he didn’t want to seem like a player; I later found out it was because he was cheating on me, or maybe he was cheating on them with me. Either way, the position I was in sucked. I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was going on. But I did, which was probably my biggest mistake. I could of talked to him about it but instead I talked to my “friends”. Yes, “friends”. They all sucked. They all talked about me behind my back. If you’re reading this, I knew you did so HIIIIII.

Anyways! I stayed with him for 5 years, or I guess he put up with me for 5 years. But in the end, it led to a swirl of unhealthy relationships. I would do ANYTHING to make them happy. Just so they wouldn’t hide me from their life and they would be happy. Obviously, this wasn’t smart. I continuously got walked all over and it broke me. I felt unworthy of any guys attention. I went from hot hockey guy to criminals. Literally. In jail. Drug dealing. Criminals.

Now that I’m starting to focus on all of this and my head is starting to clear up, I realize just how detrimental this was to my mental health. Morphine wasn’t just my drug of choice, guys are too. Guys that give me too much attention, guys that give me too little attention.

Everyday I work through it. I work through the fact that I need someone who can understand I’m not always going to be okay. That I need them, but I need me more.

At the end of the day, all that matters is me and my mental health. Whether that involves a guy or not. At the end of the day, my main focus is me and my health.